I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
