the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
