I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
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