I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
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