Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Randomize
