just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Randomize
