remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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