and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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