she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
