She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
