Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
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