every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
