i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
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