I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
