yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
