ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Randomize
