Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
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