If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
