I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Randomize
