I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
