My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
