She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
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