i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
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