she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
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