Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
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