you didnt say anything until i brought it up today. i guess i misjudged your maturity.
I guess I misjudged your gender.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
this is an emotional support booty call
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
