We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
There's even glitter on my cock...
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