i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
