my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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