don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
