lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
