I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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