I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
