My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
So here I am, sexting at work.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Randomize
