Where did you get a picture of my penis
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
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