Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
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