I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Randomize
