I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
sarcasm needs its own font
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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