Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Randomize
