I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Randomize
