Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
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