Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Randomize
