i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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