:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
