What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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