Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
there is puke in my bra ... again
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