last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
