I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
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