I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
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