how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
