Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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